I Am Not Circumcising My Son
And the Ceremony I Created Instead
In three months I will be welcoming a baby boy into the world with my partner. When we told our extended family that we were having a boy, the first thing one of them responded with was: “I have a list of mohels who can do the bris.” A mohel in the Jewish tradition is a man who cuts a baby’s penis and then takes the newly circumcised penis into his mouth and suctions out the blood, takes a sip of wine, and suctions the wound again until there is a mix of blood and wine in the receptacle. It is a common tradition in Judaism that symbolizes a boy child’s entry into the Jewish community.
However, if the mohel has herpes (HSV-1), (which over half of people in the United States have), this ceremony would transfer the disease to the infant. According to the New York City Department of Health and Mental Hygiene, 11 infants in the state have contracted the virus in this manner since 2004; two suffered permanent brain damage and two New Jersey infants died. I believe it is a parent’s upmost responsibility to keep their child safe — giving them a lifelong disease a little over a week into their life is antithetical to this goal.
But it is possible to do a circumcision at the hospital, and today many Jewish parents opt for this option. I will also not do a circumcision at a hospital. For one, there is a chance, no matter how slight, that something goes wrong. As well, mounting research from the National Institute of Health shows that circumcised men have lower genital sensitivity, making their orgasms less intense. Life is long and hard; I want my son when he is older to be able to enjoy every positive experience life has to offer. I will not take away his ability to feel as much pleasure as possible with a future partner.
Finally, in an age where abortion is increasingly restricted in many states, I believe firmly in a woman’s right to choose whether she carries a child to term or not. I believe connected to this is a man’s right to choose what he does with his body, whether that is to get a vasectomy or to be circumcised. Mens and women’s rights are two sides of the same coin: the right to choose. When a child is eight days old, they do not have the knowledge to make the choice to be circumcised or not. If my child decides when he is over thirteen years of age that he wants to get circumcised, I will support him wholeheartedly. Until then, I will safeguard his ability to choose for himself.
I know I will likely get a lot of push back within my family and the larger Jewish community on this decision. Yet, thirty years ago there were no female rabbis. Religions can change and evolve. This is one moment where I believe Judaism should grow.
I understand how special a bris is to welcome a child into the Jewish community, and so I wanted to create what I call a Welcoming Ceremony, or טקס קבלת פנים לתינוק (Tekes Kabalat Panim LaTinok). This ceremony is meant to welcome the child to the world and the Jewish community, similarly to a bris, but better aligns with how I want to pass on religion to my son. Anyone should feel free to use this ceremony I designed and wrote the blessings for if it feels right to them.
The Welcoming Ceremony
This Welcome ceremony has five different parts, that symbolize five different ways the child is welcomed into the world and their community. This ceremony is meant to be had with family and close friends eight days after they are born.
The five pieces of the ceremony includes:
- Lighting the Candles: Symbolizes the spark of life passed throughout the ages
- Speaking the Name: Welcoming the child into the world not as a part of the mother, but as a distinct person themselves
- Cutting a Pomegranate: Symbolizes the strife the Jewish people have had to go through to get to this moment, and the hope for sweetness in the next generation
- Washing the baby’s feet: The father and mother wash the baby’s feet to symbolize that they will work to set the child on a path of doing good
- Wrapping the child in a tallit: Symbolizes the community’s willingness to accept the child and all be a part of protecting the child
Lighting the Candles
הדלקת נרות להעברת ניצוץ החיים
(Hadlat Nerot L’ha’avarat Nitzotz HaChayim)
This part of the ceremony is meant to symbolize the passing of the spark of life from one generation to the next, as all of God’s creatures come from a first spark of life in the cosmos that has been passed across the ages and continues with this child.
A parent or grandparent, that symbolizes the last generation lights a candle and says:
With this candle we thank God for creating light from darkness, and life from basic matter, and providing us a world to keep this spark going throughout many ages. With this candle we thank our ancestors that have kept this spark alive and passed it on from parent to child for generations. We now pass this sacred spark on to this child. May your spark shine bright and strong all the days of your life.
Community: Amen.
Calling a Child’s Name for the First Time
לקרוא בשם הילד בפעם הראשונה
(Likro BeShem HaYeled BaPa’am HaRishona)
This part of the ceremony is meant to symbolize the child now being a distinct entity in and of themselves, and no longer a piece of the mother. As a distinct entity, the child now has a name that is their own that is said for the first time to the community at large.
A representative of the child’s family should hold the child as they say:
Thank you God for the air that graces the highest mountains to the lowest seas, the air that bites in winter and soothes in spring. Thank you for this breath that connects every living thing to each other. With this air may this child speak words of hope and sing songs of joy. With this air may we invite this child into life as a distinct being in and of themselves, and call the child’s name to the community for the first time at the start of their story: (Child’s Name).”
Community: Welcome (the Child’s name)!
Cutting a Pomegranate
לחצות רימון
(Lachatzot Rimon)
The act of cutting a pomegranate is meant to symbolize the pain the Jewish people have gone through throughout the ages, commingled with the sweet taste of the joys of the Jewish faith. The act of cutting the pomegranate is meant to take the place of the cutting of the baby’s foreskin.
A person should take a knife and pomegranate and recites:
With this fruit may we mark this child’s blood as Jewish. This is a people that has known bloodshed and persecution that has stained our pasts. May the stains a pomegranates juice leaves on the skin symbolize the enduring strength of the Jew’s fight for freedom and justice. Yet let the sweetness of the pomegranate’s juice symbolize the sweetness that comes with being a part of this people, and a hope that in this age the child will know sweetness and joy in every one of his days.
Community: Amen.
The person holding the pomegranate now splits it open and takes one seed that they touch to the child’s fingers and lips. The remaining pomegranate is distributed to the community to eat.
Washing the Feet
טהרת הרגליים
(Taharat HaRaglayim)
This part of the ceremony symbolizes the work the mother and father of the child accept to make sure that the child will grow to become a good person. Either the mother or father should hold the child while the other washes one of the child’s feet in a small basin of water and then switch places to wash the other foot.
Then they recite:
We accept the sacred responsibility to guide you as you learn to walk the road of life as a person of integrity, with a heart and spirit that remain pure and true. We commit to teaching you the values of compassion, courage, and humility, so that you may face the world with strength and kindness.
We will strive to nurture within you a sense of justice and the resilience to stand against oppression and wrongdoing. We pray that you grow to be a person who not only recognizes the pain and inequities in the world but also dedicates yourself to healing them with your actions, words, and love.
May your journey be marked by a pursuit of knowledge, a commitment to truth, and a relentless desire to improve the lives of others. And may you find fulfillment and joy in knowing that your efforts, no matter how small, contribute to making the world a brighter, more hopeful place for generations to come.
Wrapping the Tallit
להתעטף בטלית
(L’hitatef B’Tallit)
This part of the ceremony a member of the community wraps both parents and baby in a Tallit. This symbolizes the community’s acceptance of the child and responsibility in helping to raise the child.
A member of the community wraps the tallit around parents and baby and then the entire community says:
We welcome this child into the world with open hearts and deep gratitude. With this welcome, we embrace the responsibility to protect and nurture them, to provide love, safety, and guidance as they grow.
We commit to teaching them the best of what we have learned in our own lives—the lessons, values, and truths that have shaped us. We commit to help them discern right from wrong and the courage to choose a path of integrity and kindness.
As lifelong guides, we will walk beside them, offering support and love, celebrating their joys, and providing strength in times of need. We embrace our role to shape the person they will become, fostering compassion, justice, and purpose in their journey throughout this life.
With the completion of this prayer the Welcoming ceremony ends and it is time to eat!
